There’s been a lot of talk lately about douchebags, but how do you know what to believe? We’ve spent the last 10 years researching the daily habits of douchebags and have compiled a thorough list of their most common attributes for you to print out and use as a handy reference guide. It’s very important to know how to spot a douche because they cause cancer, herpes, and swine flu. Now you won’t always be lucky enough to encounter obvious douchebags who walk up behind you and smack you in the head with an official Ed Hardy baseball bat. Sometimes they sneak up behind you like a top in a dark gay club while the music goes unce unce unce unce. But unlike with the top, the discomfort won’t last for a mere 5 minutes. No, he will latch onto you like tacky on white trash and you will be stuck with him for the rest of your natural born life.
Warning signs:
Warning signs:
Popped Collars
Puka shell necklaces
Wearing pajama bottoms in inappropriate situations
Wearing wife beaters as formal attire
Airbrushing abs onto a facebook profile picture
Tattoo of a chinese character
Over gelled hair
Intermittent bathing
Commonly using phrases such as “Brah,” “brotacular,” and “man cave”
Improper article use
Oompa loompa like complexion
Gold jewelry
Now that you know how to properly identify a douche, you need to know how to get rid of them. Now, a douche cannot be killed by normal means, so your usual method of exterminating vermin probably won’t work. Luckily, we have devised some foolproof ways of ridding yourself of those pesky unwanted douchebags:
Wear a bar of soap around your neck (the scent of the soap triggers a chemical reaction in their brain which restores in them the desire to bathe and wear nice clothing)
Play classical music (this empties their mind of all their useless knowledge about rap music, and restores a love for Michael Bublé)
Tie them down and force them to listen as you read “War and Peace” (this restores their ability to use proper grammar)
Dunk them in a vat of lemon juice (this will wash off the spray tan, which is the source of their inability to dance)
Shoot them with an arrow dipped in a fine merlot (this will assure that any 50 cent beers they may have will taste like vomit)
Now, it’s important to remain vigilant. Never let your guard down (or your sense of taste, lest you become a douche as well). And for those especially tricky douchebags, email us at flannelandglitter@hotmail.com and we will send you our patented “Douche-be-gone.” Guaranteed to work or your money back.
