Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I’m getting on in years and I feel I’ve lived a full life. I’ve done the career thing and made my mark on the world, but now I’m so sick of people I can barely stand to look at my co-workers without projectile vomiting. My 26^th birthday is around the corner and I’m dreading seeing all those people staring at me with their sickeningly joyful faces. It makes me want to scream! So, as a present to myself, I’ve decided to become a hermit. How should I proceed?

-Frustrated in Fargo.

Dear Frustrated in Fargo,

Good for you! People are disgusting, horrible lumps of carbon. Your choice sets you apart and potentially removes you from the rest of humanity, which makes us like you a little more – not too much though. Unlike all those useless people who just produce waste and convert valuable oxygen into carbon dioxide, you’re doing something useful.

The first step is to remove the influence of people. The best way to do this is to quit your job, stop bathing and stop shaving. In fact, stop all hygienic practices of any kind. Sell all your stuff (we would happily take them for a “reasonable” price) and move into your car while you find a suitable cave for your future home. In order to survive, you’ll need to hunt. Make sure to stop by the Medieval Weapons section at your local Wal-Mart (see previous post on how to survive a grocery store) to pick up a spear or two.

The next step is start talking to yourself. Mumble often and randomly jerk your arms as though you were in the throes of a small seizure. Scream at any person or animal that comes within 100ft. of your cave. This will ensure that people know you are serious about becoming a hermit and encourage them to leave you alone.

-Flannel and Glitter.

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My long-term boyfriend is really pressuring me to take our relationship to the next level. We’ve been dating for three whole weeks and we just click, you know? Like, we know everything about each other and even finish each other’s sentences. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. My friends think it’s weird for us to be so serious in our second year of high school, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in a mature relationship.

My parents always taught me that I shouldn’t have sex before I’m married, but T-Bone says it’s totally rad and my parents are just old-fashioned.

What should I do?

-Horny in Hamilton.

Dear Horny in Hamilton,

T-Bone is right. Sex is totally rad! Especially if it’s with someone you barely know. Of course we know you want the experience to be memorable, so we have a couple ideas to make it a night you’ll never forget.

Start off with some some romantic music to set the mood. We recommend either Eminem or Kevin Federline. You could also turn down the lights and set some candles aflame, just like your passion for each other.

A lot of people mistakenly make their first time boring and trite. You can avoid this by having a threesome. Ask T-Bone if he has any friends who would be willing to offer their services for the evening. If he has more than one, invite them too. The more the merrier! Your parents were right about one thing: sharing is good.

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Bring a whip.

-Flannel.

P.P.S. Don’t forget your leather corset and chaps.

-Glitter.

P.P.P.S. Chaps are for men. Try edible underwear instead.

-Flannel

P.P.P.P.S. That’s right. Sorry, I don’t know anything about women's fetish clothing.

-Glitter

P.P.P.P.P.S. And don’t worry about condoms. You can’t get pregnant the first time.

-Flannel