Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I’m a lesbian, and I came out when I was seven years old. I’ve always been very comfortable with who I am, and my family and friends have always been very supportive of my lifestyle. However, a couple weeks ago, I went out on a date with a man, and I am now calling into question everything I thought I once knew. I thought we were just going out as friends, but he wanted more, and at the end of the night, he kissed me, and… well, I kissed him back. I really like him, and I’m so confused. When I told my family, they told me that I was going to hell, and that if I was going to be straight, they would kick me out. I’m 17, and still in high school, so I can’t afford to live on my own. What should I do?

-Questioning in Québec. 

Dear Questioning in Québec,

Okay, first of all, you came out when you were seven? Are you insane? You weren’t even in puberty yet, how the hell did you know? We both didn’t know we were gay until we were fifteen. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Don’t worry, QIQ, even though you’re a freak of nature, we love you as a fellow member of the GLBT community. Just not as a person, because we’re jealous, and we secretly hate you. 

We know that you’re confused, and that this is all new for you. We want you to know that it is perfectly natural to question your sexuality. But what you have to remember, is that you’re doing a terrible thing in the eyes of God. We are of course, bound to hate the sin and love the sinner, so we love you, QIQ, but your straight tendencies are evil and immoral. 

We encourage you to date as many women as possible. Who cares if they’re married or senior citizens? You’re young. Have fun experimenting. Lesbians can’t get STD’s so you have nothing to worry about!

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Stop taking all of the available men, you whore! 

-Glitter.

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I have a crush on a guy at my office, but he doesn’t even know I exist. I’m 40 years old, and have never dated, so I’m very nervous about making the first move. How can I get him to notice me?

-Single in Seattle

Dear Single in Seattle,

Honey, what the hell are you waiting for? 40 years old and you’ve never been on a date? What are you, a nun? For crying in the sink, woman! Okay, here’s what you need to do: go to the nearest Victoria’s Secret, and buy some sexy lingerie. Then get a whole bunch of short skirts and low cut blouses to show off your new underwear. Next, dye your hair blonde, and get some extensions. Then to top it all off, buy yourself some 4 inch heels. 

Now that you’re all made up, go into the office on Monday morning with your head held high. Remind yourself that all of the stares from your coworkers are stares of jealousy and lust, which is practically love. And above all, remember the 3 sacred words: Bend and snap.

Once you bend and snap your way to a date, it’s time to seal the deal. Skip dinner. Go straight to his apartment. Men respect women who put out on the first date. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Men like shiny objects, wear lots of glitter.

-Glitter

P.P.S. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, that’s only gay men. Straight men like flannel and guns. Wear lots of flannel that shows your cleavage, and carry an AK47 with you at all times.

-Flannel

P.P.P.S. Not true. It’s gay men who like “guns.” And men are like magpies, they always love shiny things. It’s in their DNA. 

-Glitter

P.P.P.P.S. He has a point. Cover yourself in baby oil. 

-Flannel

P.P.P.P.P.S. Yup, that’ll work. 

-Glitter