I (Flannel), recently found myself in need of a roommate. Of course, I used our foolproof questionnaire, and quickly received a response from someone who was not a murder, a rapist, or a Jehovah’s Witness. However, she was a...
DUN DUN DUN!Having never interacted with a breeder, I was unsure of how to proceed. I found myself navigating the murky waters of breederdom alone and confused with no one to turn to. So, we would now like to present to you our quick reference guide for living with a heterosexual.
Upon first meeting a heterosexual, you might notice a significant lack of fabulous, and be tempted to douce them with glitter. However we have found, based on extensive experimentation, this proves ineffective. We recommend simply shaking their hand.
A handshake is usually accompanied by a verbal greeting. Now, gay men may be tempted to say, “What’s up, Bitch?” while lesbians might prefer to say, “This might seem really fast, but I think I’m in love with you.” Typically, a heterosexual prefers a simple greeting, ranging from “Hello” to the more daunting, “Hello, how are you?” Now, if you choose the latter, you should be prepared for an all out tactical conversation about the mundane life of a hetero.
After spending a significant amount of time with a heterosexual (at least 20 minutes), your first instinct will of course be to get to second base (for gay men) or get engaged (for lesbians). However, we have found that straight people don’t typically enjoy sexual advances from the same gender. Trust us, you can pump them full of mojitos all night, but you’ll never get them on their knees. Instead, try having more conversation (we know, they’re worse than the cast of The View on speed).
Once you move in together, you will find that heterosexuals have a number of idiosyncrasies. For instance, they are vehemently opposed to the idea of naked thursdays. They are also opposed to naked fridays, saturdays, sundays, mondays, and…. Well, you get the idea. Basically, they are opposed to you, themselves, and everyone around you being naked at any given time. Even on St. Patricks Day! Those crazy bastards.
In addition to their weird aversion to nudity, heterosexuals don’t enjoy weekly orgies. They especially don’t enjoy walking in on weekly orgies. They also don’t enjoy it when you use their grandmother’s quilt for a threesome and picnic at the park.
Heterosexuals also dislike:
-Impromptu fashion shows in their living room at 2:00am.
-Having all meat/dairy products thrown out and replaced with tofu.
-Having their hair cut or clothes bedazzled while they are sleeping.
-Being eye raped.
-Cats or tiny dogs in pink outfits.
-Techno or folk music blaring 24/7.
-Sharing vibrators, underwear, toothbrushes, or beds.
We really don’t know if there is anything they do like, but we’re pretty sure that if it’s boring, it’s safe to assume they like it.
Now don’t worry, seeing as how heterosexuals have a tendency to breed like rabbits, there will be plenty more posts in the future about living with a…
P.S. If you do encounter any more problems before our next post, remember: There's no problem that lube can't solve.
-Glitter
