Popularity is everything. At least, that's what we learned in high school. And as we all know, high school is exactly like the real world. So if you don't want to get picked last for gym class, sit down, shut up, and hang on our every word.
Bribery
Your parents always told you that to make friends with someone, you had to get on their good side. And what better way to do so then to give them money? People enjoy getting lots of money for little or no work, so pretending to like you is the perfect full-time occupation.
Murder
Popularity is like a feudal system. A handful of people are on the top, while everyone else is at the bottom. So logically, the best way to reach the top is to be born into it. Unfortunately, we don’t have the technology to make that happen, so murder is the next best option. Of course, you shouldn’t go around murdering people willy-nilly. You need to carefully plan and strategize your attacks, eliminating the most popular people first, then working your way down until you emerge victorious.
Putting out
Kelis had it right. When you’re looking for something to bring all the boys to your yard, nothing works quite like a milkshake. And of course, by milkshake, we mean exposing your genitalia. And for all you college drop outs - that means putting out. Putting out is a lot of fun, and it has a lot of benefits:
It waters the lawn
It provides a good excuse to soak up lots of vitamin D
You can work on your tan
It’s good exercise
And most importantly, you will be the talk of the neighborhood
Remember kids: promiscuity = friendship
P.S. And when you do, can we watch?
P.P.S. But only if you’re hot.
Blackmail
Now, we know you’ve invested a lot of money in those high-tech night vision goggles that you use for nocturnal bird watching, so why not get the most bang for your buck and use them to spy on your potential friends? To make friends properly, we recommend that you also purchase a quality DSLR with a telephoto lens. This will ensure that have hard evidence of your future friends masturbating to jaws while you sit in the tree outside their window.
Be Rich (steal)
Being born wealthy is an obvious way to become popular amongst all those empty headed douchebags. But for those of us with deadbeat parents who couldn’t be bother to get off their lazy butts and build a financial empire that brings third world nations to their knees, you’ll just have to steal your way to the top. Now, we recommend you start off small. Try stealing a slurpie from 7-11, then move up to a daylight robbery of Fort Knox in a chariot puled by a flock of peacocks.
Kill Tom Cruise
Now it’s time for Tom Cruse to put his money where his mouth is, and prove that his Scientology crap is gonna save him. Cause you’re a loose cannon on the edge who doesn’t take nothing from no one and doesn’t play by the rules. Just make sure you do it in a way flashy enough to make the 6:00 news. We recommend giving him an impossible mission; namely, finding his own sanity. Don’t worry about him returning - the killer chinchillas that live in the remote cave in the Andes mountains where his search will undoubtably lead him will ensure that he meets a *drop octave* gruesome fate.
Start a Cult
According to Glitter, everyone loves meat. So clearly, you should start a bacon cult! We think this idea speaks for itself.
Get Plastic Surgery
For you ladies out there, we have just one phrase for you:
Round like a football.
Okay, that was Glitter, and he obviously doesn’t know breasts from 22oz anti-vibe framing hammers. What he was trying to say was:
Stacked like pancakes.
With Syrup…
And whipped cream…
And cherries…
Okay honey, it’s time to take a cold shower (this is glitter again, btw). I guess what we’re trying to say is: the way you look now is just not acceptable, and if you want people to like you, you have to be hot. No exceptions.
