Cover Letter: Formulated for Success

To whom it may concern:

We would like to apply for the job of “Professional Exterminator” as advertised on monster.com. We realize that you may think it a bit odd for us to apply as a team, but let us assure you, we will prove to be an invaluable and lethal part of your organization. Combined we have over 30 years of “exterminating” experience. As requested in your ad, we are familiar with all the tools of the trade, including but not limited to: laying traps, poisonous gas, anthrax, glitter, radiation (from a tactical nuke), shrapnel grenades, knives, and Kanye West CD’s. We have worked together for so long that our minds are completely in sync, much like the way women’s menstrual cycles become in sync after spending extended periods of time together. 

During our top secret special ops training in lgbtqqia-wtf-do-all-these-letters-mean-istan, we were part of an elite task force called the flannel fairies. Our top secret mission was to infiltrate western civilization, and bring town the sanctity of marriage and wholesome family values, but when we got here, we were distracted by shiny things, and are now trying to make money blogging like all those poor losers living in their parent’s basements. Or are we? Perhaps we’re just so undercover that we appear to be ineffectual. And if that’s the case, just think how invaluable we would be to your organization. Or else… Haha, just kidding! Maybe. 

Love Always, 

Flannel and Glitter

P.S. This message will self destruct, taking you and your whole family along with it if we are not selected for the position. 

How To Become Popular

Popularity is everything. At least, that's what we learned in high school. And as we all know, high school is exactly like the real world. So if you don't want to get picked last for gym class, sit down, shut up, and hang on our every word.


Bribery
Your parents always told you that to make friends with someone, you had to get on their good side. And what better way to do so then to give them money? People enjoy getting lots of money for little or no work, so pretending to like you is the perfect full-time occupation.

Murder
Popularity is like a feudal system. A handful of people are on the top, while everyone else is at the bottom. So logically, the best way to reach the top is to be born into it. Unfortunately, we don’t have the technology to make that happen, so murder is the next best option. Of course, you shouldn’t go around murdering people willy-nilly. You need to carefully plan and strategize your attacks, eliminating the most popular people first, then working your way down until you emerge victorious.

Putting out
Kelis had it right. When you’re looking for something to bring all the boys to your yard, nothing works quite like a milkshake. And of course, by milkshake, we mean exposing your genitalia. And for all you college drop outs - that means putting out. Putting out is a lot of fun, and it has a lot of benefits:
It waters the lawn
It provides a good excuse to soak up lots of vitamin D
You can work on your tan
It’s good exercise
And most importantly, you will be the talk of the neighborhood
Remember kids: promiscuity = friendship

P.S. And when you do, can we watch?
P.P.S. But only if you’re hot.

Blackmail
Now, we know you’ve invested a lot of money in those high-tech night vision goggles that you use for nocturnal bird watching, so why not get the most bang for your buck and use them to spy on your potential friends? To make friends properly, we recommend that you also purchase a quality DSLR with a telephoto lens. This will ensure that have hard evidence of your future friends masturbating to jaws while you sit in the tree outside their window.

Be Rich (steal)
Being born wealthy is an obvious way to become popular amongst all those empty headed douchebags. But for those of us with deadbeat parents who couldn’t be bother to get off their lazy butts and build a financial empire that brings third world nations to their knees, you’ll just have to steal your way to the top. Now, we recommend you start off small. Try stealing a slurpie from 7-11, then move up to a daylight robbery of Fort Knox in a chariot puled by a flock of peacocks.

Kill Tom Cruise
Now it’s time for Tom Cruse to put his money where his mouth is, and prove that his Scientology crap is gonna save him. Cause you’re a loose cannon on the edge who doesn’t take nothing from no one and doesn’t play by the rules. Just make sure you do it in a way flashy enough to make the 6:00 news. We recommend giving him an impossible mission; namely, finding his own sanity. Don’t worry about him returning - the killer chinchillas that live in the remote cave in the Andes mountains where his search will undoubtably lead him will ensure that he meets a *drop octave* gruesome fate.

Start a Cult
According to Glitter, everyone loves meat. So clearly, you should start a bacon cult! We think this idea speaks for itself.

Get Plastic Surgery
For you ladies out there, we have just one phrase for you:
Round like a football.

Okay, that was Glitter, and he obviously doesn’t know breasts from 22oz anti-vibe framing hammers. What he was trying to say was:
Stacked like pancakes.
With Syrup…
And whipped cream…
And cherries…

Okay honey, it’s time to take a cold shower (this is glitter again, btw). I guess what we’re trying to say is: the way you look now is just not acceptable, and if you want people to like you, you have to be hot. No exceptions.

How To Plan The Perfect Date

Good date: Romantic candlelight dinner

Bad date: Free lunch at the nursing home

Good Date: Amusement park

Bad date: Cleaning the tiger cage at the zoo

 Good date: Broadway show

Bad date: Operating theatre

 

 Good date: Circus

Bad date: Being sold to the circus.

Good date: Stargazing

Bad date: Escaping an exploding star 

Good date: Picnic on the beach

Bad date: Fresh caught sashimi on a fishing troller

Good date: Going to a concert 

Bad date: Going to a human sacrifice

Good date: Hiking 

Bad date: Outrunning a serial killer

Good date: Kissing in the rain

Bad date: Kissing in a Tsunami

 Good date: Seeing a spy movie

Bad date: Spying on your ex 

 Good date: A walk in the park

Bad date: A walk through East Hastings

Good date: Basketball game

Bad date: Women's basketball game

How To Spot A Douchebag

There’s been a lot of talk lately about douchebags, but how do you know what to believe? We’ve spent the last 10 years researching the daily habits of douchebags and have compiled a thorough list of their most common attributes for you to print out and use as a handy reference guide. It’s very important to know how to spot a douche because they cause cancer, herpes, and swine flu. Now you won’t always be lucky enough to encounter obvious douchebags who walk up behind you and smack you in the head with an official Ed Hardy baseball bat. Sometimes they sneak up behind you like a top in a dark gay club while the music goes unce unce unce unce. But unlike with the top, the discomfort won’t last for a mere 5 minutes. No, he will latch onto you like tacky on white trash and you will be stuck with him for the rest of your natural born life. 


Warning signs:

Popped Collars

Puka shell necklaces

Wearing pajama bottoms in inappropriate situations

Wearing wife beaters as formal attire

Airbrushing abs onto a facebook profile picture

Tattoo of a chinese character

Over gelled hair

Intermittent bathing

Commonly using phrases such as “Brah,” “brotacular,” and “man cave”

Improper article use

Oompa loompa like complexion

Gold jewelry 

Now that you know how to properly identify a douche, you need to know how to get rid of them. Now, a douche cannot be killed by normal means, so your usual method of exterminating vermin probably won’t work. Luckily, we have devised some foolproof ways of ridding yourself of those pesky unwanted douchebags:

Wear a bar of soap around your neck (the scent of the soap triggers a chemical reaction in their brain which restores in them the desire to bathe and wear nice clothing)

Play classical music (this empties their mind of all their useless knowledge about rap music, and restores a love for Michael Bublé)

Tie them down and force them to listen as you read “War and Peace” (this restores their ability to use proper grammar)

Dunk them in a vat of lemon juice (this will wash off the spray tan, which is the source of their inability to dance)

Shoot them with an arrow dipped in a fine merlot (this will assure that any 50 cent beers they may have will taste like vomit)

Now, it’s important to remain vigilant. Never let your guard down (or your sense of taste, lest you become a douche as well). And for those especially tricky douchebags, email us at flannelandglitter@hotmail.com and we will send you our patented “Douche-be-gone.” Guaranteed to work or your money back. 

The Differences Between Canadians and Americans

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter, 

I have a relationship issue I need help with. There's this guy I like and we have so many things in common. I fell for him pretty quick, but he hasn't done the same for me. I could list off all the things I like about him, but that'd be way too long. I'm just hung up on one thing: he's a huge Slut-Slut McSlut Sluttiest Slut Grand Prize Winner. In short, he likes sex with a lot of people. He's never had a relationship longer than a month, and I'm a long-term kind of a guy. What do I do?

-Don’t-want-the-clap

Dear Don’t-want-the-clap,

First of all, what are you talking about? Clapping is fun! Have you ever heard the song, “If You’re Happy and You Know It”? 

Now, we understand that you want a long-term relationship, but you have to understand that relationships are all about compromise. We suggest going with him on all of his adventures, and even joining in on his bedtime antics. This will show him that you love him for who he is, and that you accept his alternative lifestyle. 

Besides, monogamy is boring. Doing this, your life will be a perpetual game of Russian roulette. Nothing adds passion to a relationship like the unexpected. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. If you’re looking for someone to offer their services, our rates are very reasonable. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and she recently cut her hair really short. She’s quite obviously a lesbian, which is of course, really, really hot. I tried asking her for a threesome (which I know is every lesbian’s dream) but she said no. How can I convince her?

-Three’s a party

Dear Three’s a party,

The first thing you need to remember, is that you have to be very careful, because lesbians can be a bit touchy. Even though we know that all lesbians are secretly straight (I mean, come on, who can resist the allure of Axe Body Spray and sawdust?), they keep up the charade of homosexuality in order to add excitement to their mundane lives. 

The best way to get your way is to lure her with candy and chocolate. Lay down a trail of mints leading to the bedroom, where you will be waiting with the hot lesbian who you bribed with free steel toe boots and flannel shirts. Next, put some Indigo Girls on the stereo, and start a pillow fight.

Once the pillows start flying, they won’t be able to resist stripping down and french kissing each other. Then, before you know it, you’ll be in the midst of doing the flying purple fox. 

-Glitter

P.S. What the hell, man?! I’m gone for one day, and the whole operation is in shambles. No lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that’s the whole point! Hell, even straight women don’t want to have sex with men. 

-Flannel

P.P.S. If I learned anything while working at the Boom Boom Cabaret, it’s that the customer is always right. I felt it was my duty to give this man the advice he requested. Though I don’t know why he wants to sleep with women. Blech! 

-Glitter

Pick-Up Lines

We know it’s tough out there when it comes to finding that special someone. So we’ve put together a list of the most extensively tested pick-up lines known to man. Tested first in the lab, under controlled situations, and then out in the field by yours truly, these are sure to alleviate your physical yearnings. 

For Straight People (i.e. Breeders):

There aren’t enough people in the world. Let’s make more.

You’re a man. I’m a woman. It’s meant to be.

My biological clock is ticking.

We could’ve written more, but honestly they don’t need any more help popping out dozens of screaming larvae that will one day grow up to become as dumb as their predecessors.

For Lesbians:

My rent is getting to be a little too much. Want to move in with me?

I have all six seasons of “The L Word” on DVD.

My girlfriend just broke up with me and she left me with a lot of emotional baggage.

I’m working on a documentary about feminism post 9-11.

Hey, do you want to adopt a cat together?

Do you want to go with me to the WNBA game? We can listen to the new Indigo Girls CD on the way there.

I’m headed to a rally for women’s rights. Want to join me?

I have a coupon for the vegan buffet at Flannel World. What do you say we make a night of it?

Did I mention my bra is made out of organic hemp?

Nice mullet.

Nice motorcycle.

There’s nothing I love more than the environment, except protesting.

What do you say we put on wife-beaters, lift weights, and watch Saturday Night Live?

I’m a high school gym teacher and I volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends.

Will you be the Bette to my Tina? 

I’m eighteen now. It’s time I settled down.

My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

For Gay Men:

Look, an empty room.

I’m single.

I’m in a relationship, but he’s cool with it.

I just got tested. I’m all clean.

Found a condom.

Excuse me, I seem to be suffering from a rather serious snake bite. Do you think you could suck out the venom?

Boxers or briefs?

Top or bottom?

My boyfriend is out of town.

What’s your favorite Madonna album?

No one is looking.

So, we’ve been dating for three whole hours. I think it’s time we took this to the next level

This bed is comfortable. Join me.

The backseat of my car is really comfortable.

Hey.

What’s up?

*Wink*