Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter, 

I have a relationship issue I need help with. There's this guy I like and we have so many things in common. I fell for him pretty quick, but he hasn't done the same for me. I could list off all the things I like about him, but that'd be way too long. I'm just hung up on one thing: he's a huge Slut-Slut McSlut Sluttiest Slut Grand Prize Winner. In short, he likes sex with a lot of people. He's never had a relationship longer than a month, and I'm a long-term kind of a guy. What do I do?

-Don’t-want-the-clap

Dear Don’t-want-the-clap,

First of all, what are you talking about? Clapping is fun! Have you ever heard the song, “If You’re Happy and You Know It”? 

Now, we understand that you want a long-term relationship, but you have to understand that relationships are all about compromise. We suggest going with him on all of his adventures, and even joining in on his bedtime antics. This will show him that you love him for who he is, and that you accept his alternative lifestyle. 

Besides, monogamy is boring. Doing this, your life will be a perpetual game of Russian roulette. Nothing adds passion to a relationship like the unexpected. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. If you’re looking for someone to offer their services, our rates are very reasonable. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and she recently cut her hair really short. She’s quite obviously a lesbian, which is of course, really, really hot. I tried asking her for a threesome (which I know is every lesbian’s dream) but she said no. How can I convince her?

-Three’s a party

Dear Three’s a party,

The first thing you need to remember, is that you have to be very careful, because lesbians can be a bit touchy. Even though we know that all lesbians are secretly straight (I mean, come on, who can resist the allure of Axe Body Spray and sawdust?), they keep up the charade of homosexuality in order to add excitement to their mundane lives. 

The best way to get your way is to lure her with candy and chocolate. Lay down a trail of mints leading to the bedroom, where you will be waiting with the hot lesbian who you bribed with free steel toe boots and flannel shirts. Next, put some Indigo Girls on the stereo, and start a pillow fight.

Once the pillows start flying, they won’t be able to resist stripping down and french kissing each other. Then, before you know it, you’ll be in the midst of doing the flying purple fox. 

-Glitter

P.S. What the hell, man?! I’m gone for one day, and the whole operation is in shambles. No lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that’s the whole point! Hell, even straight women don’t want to have sex with men. 

-Flannel

P.P.S. If I learned anything while working at the Boom Boom Cabaret, it’s that the customer is always right. I felt it was my duty to give this man the advice he requested. Though I don’t know why he wants to sleep with women. Blech! 

-Glitter