Gay Superheroes

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter, 

I have a relationship issue I need help with. There's this guy I like and we have so many things in common. I fell for him pretty quick, but he hasn't done the same for me. I could list off all the things I like about him, but that'd be way too long. I'm just hung up on one thing: he's a huge Slut-Slut McSlut Sluttiest Slut Grand Prize Winner. In short, he likes sex with a lot of people. He's never had a relationship longer than a month, and I'm a long-term kind of a guy. What do I do?

-Don’t-want-the-clap

Dear Don’t-want-the-clap,

First of all, what are you talking about? Clapping is fun! Have you ever heard the song, “If You’re Happy and You Know It”? 

Now, we understand that you want a long-term relationship, but you have to understand that relationships are all about compromise. We suggest going with him on all of his adventures, and even joining in on his bedtime antics. This will show him that you love him for who he is, and that you accept his alternative lifestyle. 

Besides, monogamy is boring. Doing this, your life will be a perpetual game of Russian roulette. Nothing adds passion to a relationship like the unexpected. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. If you’re looking for someone to offer their services, our rates are very reasonable. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and she recently cut her hair really short. She’s quite obviously a lesbian, which is of course, really, really hot. I tried asking her for a threesome (which I know is every lesbian’s dream) but she said no. How can I convince her?

-Three’s a party

Dear Three’s a party,

The first thing you need to remember, is that you have to be very careful, because lesbians can be a bit touchy. Even though we know that all lesbians are secretly straight (I mean, come on, who can resist the allure of Axe Body Spray and sawdust?), they keep up the charade of homosexuality in order to add excitement to their mundane lives. 

The best way to get your way is to lure her with candy and chocolate. Lay down a trail of mints leading to the bedroom, where you will be waiting with the hot lesbian who you bribed with free steel toe boots and flannel shirts. Next, put some Indigo Girls on the stereo, and start a pillow fight.

Once the pillows start flying, they won’t be able to resist stripping down and french kissing each other. Then, before you know it, you’ll be in the midst of doing the flying purple fox. 

-Glitter

P.S. What the hell, man?! I’m gone for one day, and the whole operation is in shambles. No lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that’s the whole point! Hell, even straight women don’t want to have sex with men. 

-Flannel

P.P.S. If I learned anything while working at the Boom Boom Cabaret, it’s that the customer is always right. I felt it was my duty to give this man the advice he requested. Though I don’t know why he wants to sleep with women. Blech! 

-Glitter

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I’m getting on in years and I feel I’ve lived a full life. I’ve done the career thing and made my mark on the world, but now I’m so sick of people I can barely stand to look at my co-workers without projectile vomiting. My 26^th birthday is around the corner and I’m dreading seeing all those people staring at me with their sickeningly joyful faces. It makes me want to scream! So, as a present to myself, I’ve decided to become a hermit. How should I proceed?

-Frustrated in Fargo.

Dear Frustrated in Fargo,

Good for you! People are disgusting, horrible lumps of carbon. Your choice sets you apart and potentially removes you from the rest of humanity, which makes us like you a little more – not too much though. Unlike all those useless people who just produce waste and convert valuable oxygen into carbon dioxide, you’re doing something useful.

The first step is to remove the influence of people. The best way to do this is to quit your job, stop bathing and stop shaving. In fact, stop all hygienic practices of any kind. Sell all your stuff (we would happily take them for a “reasonable” price) and move into your car while you find a suitable cave for your future home. In order to survive, you’ll need to hunt. Make sure to stop by the Medieval Weapons section at your local Wal-Mart (see previous post on how to survive a grocery store) to pick up a spear or two.

The next step is start talking to yourself. Mumble often and randomly jerk your arms as though you were in the throes of a small seizure. Scream at any person or animal that comes within 100ft. of your cave. This will ensure that people know you are serious about becoming a hermit and encourage them to leave you alone.

-Flannel and Glitter.

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My long-term boyfriend is really pressuring me to take our relationship to the next level. We’ve been dating for three whole weeks and we just click, you know? Like, we know everything about each other and even finish each other’s sentences. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. My friends think it’s weird for us to be so serious in our second year of high school, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in a mature relationship.

My parents always taught me that I shouldn’t have sex before I’m married, but T-Bone says it’s totally rad and my parents are just old-fashioned.

What should I do?

-Horny in Hamilton.

Dear Horny in Hamilton,

T-Bone is right. Sex is totally rad! Especially if it’s with someone you barely know. Of course we know you want the experience to be memorable, so we have a couple ideas to make it a night you’ll never forget.

Start off with some some romantic music to set the mood. We recommend either Eminem or Kevin Federline. You could also turn down the lights and set some candles aflame, just like your passion for each other.

A lot of people mistakenly make their first time boring and trite. You can avoid this by having a threesome. Ask T-Bone if he has any friends who would be willing to offer their services for the evening. If he has more than one, invite them too. The more the merrier! Your parents were right about one thing: sharing is good.

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Bring a whip.

-Flannel.

P.P.S. Don’t forget your leather corset and chaps.

-Glitter.

P.P.P.S. Chaps are for men. Try edible underwear instead.

-Flannel

P.P.P.P.S. That’s right. Sorry, I don’t know anything about women's fetish clothing.

-Glitter

P.P.P.P.P.S. And don’t worry about condoms. You can’t get pregnant the first time.

-Flannel

Challenges you May Face While Grocery Shopping

5. Picking Fresh Fruit

We realize that it can be tough to know what is in season, which is why we have developed some foolproof methods to determine how fresh that fruit really is. One major problem with buying fruit is that you cannot see inside. This is why we recommend that you bring a large knife to easily cut open your intended victim - I mean, fruit. Yeah, that’s it… fruit. 

Another great method is to look for bruises. Watch carefully as you hurl the fruit towards the faces of other shoppers. If they develop a pear shaped bruise, it’s not ready. If they begin to bleed, you have clearly thrown the nun chucks you picked up in aisle 53, Martial Arts Weaponry, instead of a banana.

4. Dealing With Crowds

Sadly, is is illegal for you to attach a blade to the front of your shopping cart as if it were a snow plow. This means that you are unable to push your fellow shoppers out of the way like a herd of dumb grazing cows. Instead, we recommend forgoing your usual morning shower. 

The horrible smell emanating from your body is sure to keep your fellow shoppers at bay. Of course, if you don’t want to go with the subtle approach, you could always set off some mustard gas. Just make sure you have your gas mask handy. 

3. Blocked Aisles

One of the most annoying things you will encounter in the grocery store is someone blocking the aisle, oblivious to your attempts to reach the last container of expresso ice cream. 

Of course your first reaction is to grab their shopping cart, lift it over your head, and hurl it through the lobster tank, releasing dozens of angry lobsters who will then amputate the toes of anyone in their path, causing widespread chaos and panic while you calmly reach for your expresso ice cream. 

However, this will only cause a scene, and you don’t want to draw any police attention, since your roommate, Stabby Joe, was just arrested for shooting a dozen INTERPOL agents with your sawed off shotgun. So instead, quietly sneak up beside the cart, and give it a firm push towards the nearest exit. 

When the woman realizes that the shopping cart with her newborn baby in it is sailing out into the parking lot, she will chase after it, leaving the aisle clear for you to get your ice cream.

2. Happening To Arrive At The Same Time As a Bus full of Octogenarians.

You know you shouldn’t feel this way, but a bus load of octogenarians makes you consider the merits of euthanasia. If you can get past the smell of pepto-bismal, moth balls, bengay, and dirty diapers, you still have to deal with the frustrating zombie shuffle they call walking. 

To alleviate this problem, store managers supply scooters free of charge, but unfortunately, if they weren’t fit to drive to the grocery store, then they probably aren’t fit to drive in the grocery store. You can remedy the situation by hopping on the back of the scooter, and steering it around the store at top speed, using their lap to hold your items. 

Don’t be worried about them reporting you to the authorities, they’ll be so confused, they’ll think that their grandchildren were nice enough to help them with their grocery shopping.

1. Running Into Casual Acquaintances

The most frightening thing you can encounter at a grocery store is without a doubt running into a chatty friend-of-a-friend you only met once. Of course, you instantly recognize her horrible haircut, and try to escape, but she senses your presence, and your eyes meet. This is the moment of no return. You have no choice but to say hello, and gird your loins in preparation for the conversational assault coming your way. 

As she tells you about mittens, her 27 year old diabetic cat, who requires 6 insulin needles a day, you suddenly wish that you were drowning in a vat of Pat Robertson’s saliva. However, aisle 42 is nowhere near where she entrapped you, so you are forced to listen about how she was forced to quit her job in order to take care of mittens. The only way to escape is to jingle your keys until she is sufficiently distracted, and you have the chance to escape. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I’m a lesbian, and I came out when I was seven years old. I’ve always been very comfortable with who I am, and my family and friends have always been very supportive of my lifestyle. However, a couple weeks ago, I went out on a date with a man, and I am now calling into question everything I thought I once knew. I thought we were just going out as friends, but he wanted more, and at the end of the night, he kissed me, and… well, I kissed him back. I really like him, and I’m so confused. When I told my family, they told me that I was going to hell, and that if I was going to be straight, they would kick me out. I’m 17, and still in high school, so I can’t afford to live on my own. What should I do?

-Questioning in Québec. 

Dear Questioning in Québec,

Okay, first of all, you came out when you were seven? Are you insane? You weren’t even in puberty yet, how the hell did you know? We both didn’t know we were gay until we were fifteen. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Don’t worry, QIQ, even though you’re a freak of nature, we love you as a fellow member of the GLBT community. Just not as a person, because we’re jealous, and we secretly hate you. 

We know that you’re confused, and that this is all new for you. We want you to know that it is perfectly natural to question your sexuality. But what you have to remember, is that you’re doing a terrible thing in the eyes of God. We are of course, bound to hate the sin and love the sinner, so we love you, QIQ, but your straight tendencies are evil and immoral. 

We encourage you to date as many women as possible. Who cares if they’re married or senior citizens? You’re young. Have fun experimenting. Lesbians can’t get STD’s so you have nothing to worry about!

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Stop taking all of the available men, you whore! 

-Glitter.

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I have a crush on a guy at my office, but he doesn’t even know I exist. I’m 40 years old, and have never dated, so I’m very nervous about making the first move. How can I get him to notice me?

-Single in Seattle

Dear Single in Seattle,

Honey, what the hell are you waiting for? 40 years old and you’ve never been on a date? What are you, a nun? For crying in the sink, woman! Okay, here’s what you need to do: go to the nearest Victoria’s Secret, and buy some sexy lingerie. Then get a whole bunch of short skirts and low cut blouses to show off your new underwear. Next, dye your hair blonde, and get some extensions. Then to top it all off, buy yourself some 4 inch heels. 

Now that you’re all made up, go into the office on Monday morning with your head held high. Remind yourself that all of the stares from your coworkers are stares of jealousy and lust, which is practically love. And above all, remember the 3 sacred words: Bend and snap.

Once you bend and snap your way to a date, it’s time to seal the deal. Skip dinner. Go straight to his apartment. Men respect women who put out on the first date. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Men like shiny objects, wear lots of glitter.

-Glitter

P.P.S. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, that’s only gay men. Straight men like flannel and guns. Wear lots of flannel that shows your cleavage, and carry an AK47 with you at all times.

-Flannel

P.P.P.S. Not true. It’s gay men who like “guns.” And men are like magpies, they always love shiny things. It’s in their DNA. 

-Glitter

P.P.P.P.S. He has a point. Cover yourself in baby oil. 

-Flannel

P.P.P.P.P.S. Yup, that’ll work. 

-Glitter

Top 10 Things to Remember for Job Interviews

We know how nerve-wracking a job interview can be, but no need to worry. We’ve got you covered from preparation to execution. So take notes, or just print out all 10 of our tips for a handy reference guide and you’ll be climbing the ladder to success before you know it.

10. Make Sure to have Credible References

People always say how important it is to have credible references when applying for any job. That is absolutely true. So when you apply, make sure you have the best positive references. One way to do this is to network and make contact with respected individuals in the community.

Who cares if you only met the mayor once because he yelled at you for spilling your drink on him while you were checking out the hot model? Put him down as a reference! Also make sure to put down the nice judge you bumped into at the strip club while his wife was out of town visiting a leper colony.

If you can’t find respected individuals in the community, add your mom! She’ll always speak highly of your abilities and is very discreet about that attempted murder charge on your record. She’s also more than willing to pretend to be heads of state, popular authors, renowned doctors, celebrities, and even dead people! Nothing is too good for her baby.

9. Be Cheerful

Everyone appreciates a smile and a cheerful attitude. Make sure to walk into your interview with a big smile on your face. If you can’t do that, paint one on! Wearing a yellow business suit is also a great way to lift everyone's spirits. It’ll remind everyone in the office of the sun, which is also a bright blinding source of light and joy. Give them a smile so bright it’ll melt their faces right off; just like the Ark of the Covenant.

8. Do your Research

Most people just learn about the company and their goals. You however, should strive to go the extra mile. Don’t be afraid to stalk your potential co-workers and managers. Start with their routines. Find out how they begin their day, what they eat for breakfast, how long they shower, what kind of soap they use, and how they interact with their families.

Try to find all those little details most people overlook. This is also a good time to consider investing in some high quality infrared cameras and night vision equipment. You will put them to good use once you’re hired to spy on your competitors.

7. Bring your Resume

Don’t be afraid to fluff up your resume. OK, so you weren’t really the Secretary General of the U.N., but you were the cashier at Wal-Mart and that’s pretty darn close! Don’t forget to mention the six years you spent in MI6. They can’t find any record of your working there? That’s how secret your missions were.

It might not be a good idea to list your previous employment as a pimp, drug dealer, or hit man. Most people get nervous when they hear you were employed in these sectors of the job market.

6. Maintain Good Eye Contact

Eye contact is crucial to letting your potential manager know you are serious about this job. Some recommend a minimum of four seconds for eye contact, but we say never break eye contact! Avoid blinking at all costs. This will show your dedication and will prove to the interviewer that you won’t back down. Whether it’s facing your corporate rivals or gunning down an assailant in a hostage taking, you can be trusted.

5. Keep the Interviewer’s Attention

The moment the interviewer loses interest in you, the interview is over and you failed. Keep their interest by speaking loudly and with lots of inflection. Don’t be afraid to move around a lot and flail your arms. Taking dance lessons before the interview might serve you well here.

As you dance one of your favorite numbers from the Firebird Suite around the office, you’ll be pleased to know you have their undivided attention. If these methods aren’t working and your interviewer is losing interest, break out the foolproof tactic: jingle your keys.

4. Wear Appropriate Clothing

They say clothes make the man. So, it’s critical that you dress for the interview. We know how much you love your lucky spandex leopard suit, but it might be in your best interest to wear something a little more mundane. Not because you have bad taste of course, but simply because you don’t want to incur that kind of jealousy before you have the job. Save the leopard jumpsuit for your second week on the job.

The key here is moderation. You don’t want to wear too much or too little. That see-through teddy might be appropriate for church, but it tends to be too distracting in an office environment. We understand it’s best to be prepared for anything, but you can be reasonably certain there won’t be any blizzards in the office, so your tiger fur coat, though stylish, also won’t be necessary.

If you’re still uncertain how much to wear, find the middle road. Your burka provides a comfortable blend of light fabric while also concealing a sufficient amount of skin forcing the interviewer to look into your eyes.

3. Turn Your Cell Phone Off

There’s nothing more annoying than a cell phone ringing in a professional setting. Of course you can’t let it ring, especially not when your phone plays “I’m a Barbie Girl”, so you are forced to answer. With your luck, it will be your roommate, Stabby Joe, informing you the police are about to enter your home in order to seize all your crystal meth.

You will then be forced to explain, in detail, the location of your best hiding places for him to stash the drugs and where he can find your sawed-off shotgun. You will also have to explain the best way to dispose of the bodies and how to wash away the blood that will invariably spatter your spandex leopard suit.

2. Bathe

While the sight of dried blood covering your face inspires respect amongst your fellow mob members and serves as an aphrodisiac for your girlfriend, your co-workers might find it intimidating, and somehow, they could get the wrong opinion of you. Don’t ask us how that could happen; we have no idea. For this reason, we recommend you bathe thoroughly before going to the interview.

Now, just to be clear, we don’t mean that you should bathe in the blood of your vanquished foes. We also don’t mean you should bathe in something as trite as water. You need to bathe in something that washes away the grime, but not the awesome which exudes from your pores. You need to bathe in an equal mixture of Sasquatch urine and Unicorn blood for that perfect blend of masculinity and purity.

1. Be Prepared for Tough Competition

Even though you’ve done your research on your potential employers, you didn’t have the time or the resources to seek out your competition and stalk them too. So, from the moment you enter that office, be on guard and be prepared. Everyone you see is a potential threat and should be treated as such. This is when your previous employment as a professional serial killer might come in handy.

Make sure to have all the weapons of the trade at your disposal: nunchucks, samurai swords, crossbows, Klingon bat’leths, phasers set on kill, poisonous centipedes, scimitars, magic wands, bat bombs, bowls of poisoned punch, electric eels, and fluffy pillows. You know, all the inconspicuous weapons.

Leave a comment, and let us know how these tips work for you. 

Good luck and happy hunting,

Flannel and Glitter.

WHEN GAYS ATTACK!