Top 10 Things to Remember for Job Interviews

We know how nerve-wracking a job interview can be, but no need to worry. We’ve got you covered from preparation to execution. So take notes, or just print out all 10 of our tips for a handy reference guide and you’ll be climbing the ladder to success before you know it.

10. Make Sure to have Credible References

People always say how important it is to have credible references when applying for any job. That is absolutely true. So when you apply, make sure you have the best positive references. One way to do this is to network and make contact with respected individuals in the community.

Who cares if you only met the mayor once because he yelled at you for spilling your drink on him while you were checking out the hot model? Put him down as a reference! Also make sure to put down the nice judge you bumped into at the strip club while his wife was out of town visiting a leper colony.

If you can’t find respected individuals in the community, add your mom! She’ll always speak highly of your abilities and is very discreet about that attempted murder charge on your record. She’s also more than willing to pretend to be heads of state, popular authors, renowned doctors, celebrities, and even dead people! Nothing is too good for her baby.

9. Be Cheerful

Everyone appreciates a smile and a cheerful attitude. Make sure to walk into your interview with a big smile on your face. If you can’t do that, paint one on! Wearing a yellow business suit is also a great way to lift everyone's spirits. It’ll remind everyone in the office of the sun, which is also a bright blinding source of light and joy. Give them a smile so bright it’ll melt their faces right off; just like the Ark of the Covenant.

8. Do your Research

Most people just learn about the company and their goals. You however, should strive to go the extra mile. Don’t be afraid to stalk your potential co-workers and managers. Start with their routines. Find out how they begin their day, what they eat for breakfast, how long they shower, what kind of soap they use, and how they interact with their families.

Try to find all those little details most people overlook. This is also a good time to consider investing in some high quality infrared cameras and night vision equipment. You will put them to good use once you’re hired to spy on your competitors.

7. Bring your Resume

Don’t be afraid to fluff up your resume. OK, so you weren’t really the Secretary General of the U.N., but you were the cashier at Wal-Mart and that’s pretty darn close! Don’t forget to mention the six years you spent in MI6. They can’t find any record of your working there? That’s how secret your missions were.

It might not be a good idea to list your previous employment as a pimp, drug dealer, or hit man. Most people get nervous when they hear you were employed in these sectors of the job market.

6. Maintain Good Eye Contact

Eye contact is crucial to letting your potential manager know you are serious about this job. Some recommend a minimum of four seconds for eye contact, but we say never break eye contact! Avoid blinking at all costs. This will show your dedication and will prove to the interviewer that you won’t back down. Whether it’s facing your corporate rivals or gunning down an assailant in a hostage taking, you can be trusted.

5. Keep the Interviewer’s Attention

The moment the interviewer loses interest in you, the interview is over and you failed. Keep their interest by speaking loudly and with lots of inflection. Don’t be afraid to move around a lot and flail your arms. Taking dance lessons before the interview might serve you well here.

As you dance one of your favorite numbers from the Firebird Suite around the office, you’ll be pleased to know you have their undivided attention. If these methods aren’t working and your interviewer is losing interest, break out the foolproof tactic: jingle your keys.

4. Wear Appropriate Clothing

They say clothes make the man. So, it’s critical that you dress for the interview. We know how much you love your lucky spandex leopard suit, but it might be in your best interest to wear something a little more mundane. Not because you have bad taste of course, but simply because you don’t want to incur that kind of jealousy before you have the job. Save the leopard jumpsuit for your second week on the job.

The key here is moderation. You don’t want to wear too much or too little. That see-through teddy might be appropriate for church, but it tends to be too distracting in an office environment. We understand it’s best to be prepared for anything, but you can be reasonably certain there won’t be any blizzards in the office, so your tiger fur coat, though stylish, also won’t be necessary.

If you’re still uncertain how much to wear, find the middle road. Your burka provides a comfortable blend of light fabric while also concealing a sufficient amount of skin forcing the interviewer to look into your eyes.

3. Turn Your Cell Phone Off

There’s nothing more annoying than a cell phone ringing in a professional setting. Of course you can’t let it ring, especially not when your phone plays “I’m a Barbie Girl”, so you are forced to answer. With your luck, it will be your roommate, Stabby Joe, informing you the police are about to enter your home in order to seize all your crystal meth.

You will then be forced to explain, in detail, the location of your best hiding places for him to stash the drugs and where he can find your sawed-off shotgun. You will also have to explain the best way to dispose of the bodies and how to wash away the blood that will invariably spatter your spandex leopard suit.

2. Bathe

While the sight of dried blood covering your face inspires respect amongst your fellow mob members and serves as an aphrodisiac for your girlfriend, your co-workers might find it intimidating, and somehow, they could get the wrong opinion of you. Don’t ask us how that could happen; we have no idea. For this reason, we recommend you bathe thoroughly before going to the interview.

Now, just to be clear, we don’t mean that you should bathe in the blood of your vanquished foes. We also don’t mean you should bathe in something as trite as water. You need to bathe in something that washes away the grime, but not the awesome which exudes from your pores. You need to bathe in an equal mixture of Sasquatch urine and Unicorn blood for that perfect blend of masculinity and purity.

1. Be Prepared for Tough Competition

Even though you’ve done your research on your potential employers, you didn’t have the time or the resources to seek out your competition and stalk them too. So, from the moment you enter that office, be on guard and be prepared. Everyone you see is a potential threat and should be treated as such. This is when your previous employment as a professional serial killer might come in handy.

Make sure to have all the weapons of the trade at your disposal: nunchucks, samurai swords, crossbows, Klingon bat’leths, phasers set on kill, poisonous centipedes, scimitars, magic wands, bat bombs, bowls of poisoned punch, electric eels, and fluffy pillows. You know, all the inconspicuous weapons.

Leave a comment, and let us know how these tips work for you. 

Good luck and happy hunting,

Flannel and Glitter.