Challenges you May Face While Grocery Shopping

5. Picking Fresh Fruit

We realize that it can be tough to know what is in season, which is why we have developed some foolproof methods to determine how fresh that fruit really is. One major problem with buying fruit is that you cannot see inside. This is why we recommend that you bring a large knife to easily cut open your intended victim - I mean, fruit. Yeah, that’s it… fruit. 

Another great method is to look for bruises. Watch carefully as you hurl the fruit towards the faces of other shoppers. If they develop a pear shaped bruise, it’s not ready. If they begin to bleed, you have clearly thrown the nun chucks you picked up in aisle 53, Martial Arts Weaponry, instead of a banana.

4. Dealing With Crowds

Sadly, is is illegal for you to attach a blade to the front of your shopping cart as if it were a snow plow. This means that you are unable to push your fellow shoppers out of the way like a herd of dumb grazing cows. Instead, we recommend forgoing your usual morning shower. 

The horrible smell emanating from your body is sure to keep your fellow shoppers at bay. Of course, if you don’t want to go with the subtle approach, you could always set off some mustard gas. Just make sure you have your gas mask handy. 

3. Blocked Aisles

One of the most annoying things you will encounter in the grocery store is someone blocking the aisle, oblivious to your attempts to reach the last container of expresso ice cream. 

Of course your first reaction is to grab their shopping cart, lift it over your head, and hurl it through the lobster tank, releasing dozens of angry lobsters who will then amputate the toes of anyone in their path, causing widespread chaos and panic while you calmly reach for your expresso ice cream. 

However, this will only cause a scene, and you don’t want to draw any police attention, since your roommate, Stabby Joe, was just arrested for shooting a dozen INTERPOL agents with your sawed off shotgun. So instead, quietly sneak up beside the cart, and give it a firm push towards the nearest exit. 

When the woman realizes that the shopping cart with her newborn baby in it is sailing out into the parking lot, she will chase after it, leaving the aisle clear for you to get your ice cream.

2. Happening To Arrive At The Same Time As a Bus full of Octogenarians.

You know you shouldn’t feel this way, but a bus load of octogenarians makes you consider the merits of euthanasia. If you can get past the smell of pepto-bismal, moth balls, bengay, and dirty diapers, you still have to deal with the frustrating zombie shuffle they call walking. 

To alleviate this problem, store managers supply scooters free of charge, but unfortunately, if they weren’t fit to drive to the grocery store, then they probably aren’t fit to drive in the grocery store. You can remedy the situation by hopping on the back of the scooter, and steering it around the store at top speed, using their lap to hold your items. 

Don’t be worried about them reporting you to the authorities, they’ll be so confused, they’ll think that their grandchildren were nice enough to help them with their grocery shopping.

1. Running Into Casual Acquaintances

The most frightening thing you can encounter at a grocery store is without a doubt running into a chatty friend-of-a-friend you only met once. Of course, you instantly recognize her horrible haircut, and try to escape, but she senses your presence, and your eyes meet. This is the moment of no return. You have no choice but to say hello, and gird your loins in preparation for the conversational assault coming your way. 

As she tells you about mittens, her 27 year old diabetic cat, who requires 6 insulin needles a day, you suddenly wish that you were drowning in a vat of Pat Robertson’s saliva. However, aisle 42 is nowhere near where she entrapped you, so you are forced to listen about how she was forced to quit her job in order to take care of mittens. The only way to escape is to jingle your keys until she is sufficiently distracted, and you have the chance to escape.