Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter, 

I have a relationship issue I need help with. There's this guy I like and we have so many things in common. I fell for him pretty quick, but he hasn't done the same for me. I could list off all the things I like about him, but that'd be way too long. I'm just hung up on one thing: he's a huge Slut-Slut McSlut Sluttiest Slut Grand Prize Winner. In short, he likes sex with a lot of people. He's never had a relationship longer than a month, and I'm a long-term kind of a guy. What do I do?

-Don’t-want-the-clap

Dear Don’t-want-the-clap,

First of all, what are you talking about? Clapping is fun! Have you ever heard the song, “If You’re Happy and You Know It”? 

Now, we understand that you want a long-term relationship, but you have to understand that relationships are all about compromise. We suggest going with him on all of his adventures, and even joining in on his bedtime antics. This will show him that you love him for who he is, and that you accept his alternative lifestyle. 

Besides, monogamy is boring. Doing this, your life will be a perpetual game of Russian roulette. Nothing adds passion to a relationship like the unexpected. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. If you’re looking for someone to offer their services, our rates are very reasonable. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and she recently cut her hair really short. She’s quite obviously a lesbian, which is of course, really, really hot. I tried asking her for a threesome (which I know is every lesbian’s dream) but she said no. How can I convince her?

-Three’s a party

Dear Three’s a party,

The first thing you need to remember, is that you have to be very careful, because lesbians can be a bit touchy. Even though we know that all lesbians are secretly straight (I mean, come on, who can resist the allure of Axe Body Spray and sawdust?), they keep up the charade of homosexuality in order to add excitement to their mundane lives. 

The best way to get your way is to lure her with candy and chocolate. Lay down a trail of mints leading to the bedroom, where you will be waiting with the hot lesbian who you bribed with free steel toe boots and flannel shirts. Next, put some Indigo Girls on the stereo, and start a pillow fight.

Once the pillows start flying, they won’t be able to resist stripping down and french kissing each other. Then, before you know it, you’ll be in the midst of doing the flying purple fox. 

-Glitter

P.S. What the hell, man?! I’m gone for one day, and the whole operation is in shambles. No lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that’s the whole point! Hell, even straight women don’t want to have sex with men. 

-Flannel

P.P.S. If I learned anything while working at the Boom Boom Cabaret, it’s that the customer is always right. I felt it was my duty to give this man the advice he requested. Though I don’t know why he wants to sleep with women. Blech! 

-Glitter

Pick-Up Lines

We know it’s tough out there when it comes to finding that special someone. So we’ve put together a list of the most extensively tested pick-up lines known to man. Tested first in the lab, under controlled situations, and then out in the field by yours truly, these are sure to alleviate your physical yearnings. 

For Straight People (i.e. Breeders):

There aren’t enough people in the world. Let’s make more.

You’re a man. I’m a woman. It’s meant to be.

My biological clock is ticking.

We could’ve written more, but honestly they don’t need any more help popping out dozens of screaming larvae that will one day grow up to become as dumb as their predecessors.

For Lesbians:

My rent is getting to be a little too much. Want to move in with me?

I have all six seasons of “The L Word” on DVD.

My girlfriend just broke up with me and she left me with a lot of emotional baggage.

I’m working on a documentary about feminism post 9-11.

Hey, do you want to adopt a cat together?

Do you want to go with me to the WNBA game? We can listen to the new Indigo Girls CD on the way there.

I’m headed to a rally for women’s rights. Want to join me?

I have a coupon for the vegan buffet at Flannel World. What do you say we make a night of it?

Did I mention my bra is made out of organic hemp?

Nice mullet.

Nice motorcycle.

There’s nothing I love more than the environment, except protesting.

What do you say we put on wife-beaters, lift weights, and watch Saturday Night Live?

I’m a high school gym teacher and I volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends.

Will you be the Bette to my Tina? 

I’m eighteen now. It’s time I settled down.

My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

For Gay Men:

Look, an empty room.

I’m single.

I’m in a relationship, but he’s cool with it.

I just got tested. I’m all clean.

Found a condom.

Excuse me, I seem to be suffering from a rather serious snake bite. Do you think you could suck out the venom?

Boxers or briefs?

Top or bottom?

My boyfriend is out of town.

What’s your favorite Madonna album?

No one is looking.

So, we’ve been dating for three whole hours. I think it’s time we took this to the next level

This bed is comfortable. Join me.

The backseat of my car is really comfortable.

Hey.

What’s up?

*Wink*

WHEN GAYS ATTACK!

Hey guys,
Since we've become world famous, we're too busy answering fan mail and beating off our legions of followers with maces and throwing stars to write all of our posts. So we're asking you to send us all your burning questions for our "Dear Flannel and Glitter" column.


Send your questions to:


flannelandglitter@hotmail.com

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel  and Glitter,

I’m a wealthy and successful ex porn star who now works as a doctor. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places (namely orphanages and animal hospitals). I’ve been married three times, two of which might be legally considered as endangering a senior citizen. So I’m writing to you in the hope that you will be able to give me advice on how to find Mr./Mrs. Right (preferably both).

-Loyal Andrew

Dear Loyal Andrew,

Okay, first of all, what were you thinking quitting your job as a porn star to become a doctor? That is a huge step down! Second of all, Congratulations! Monogamy is extremely overrated. However, bisexuality is downright immoral. God did not make you to be bisexual; he only makes people straight and gay. Everything else is a perversion of his perfect plan. 

You sicken us. Your desire to have a husband and a wife is disgusting. Go ahead and have as many husbands or wives as you want, just as long as they are all the same gender. So make your choice: are you going to be straight, or gay? Now make the right decision or get out of our virtual sight!

-Flannel and Glitter

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I read your roommate article awhile back. It’s helped me sort out all types of heretics and infidels. But my current roommate has drifted from the faith and I need a holy way to remove him. I’m a Mormon so I’d like to do it in a loving way not damning or degrading at all.  But if I need to call the cleansing fires of God I’m strong enough in my faith to do so. So if you could give me any advice to remove this unbeliever form the temple of my God, I’d really appreciate it

-Brother Todd

Dear Brother Todd, 

The first thing you need to do is pray for him. If that doesn’t work after a couple hours, then you clearly need to perform an exorcism. Now, he probably won’t submit to it willingly, so go ahead and hold him at gunpoint until you can tie him to the bed frame. Now, we’re not sure where you got the idea about “love” from. Have you been reading the Qur’an? Heretic. 

Now, if the exorcism doesn’t work, then you will have no choice to call the cleansing fires of God’s wrath. Build a large platform in your living room, and prepare yourself for the sacrament. Put on your blue tracksuit and drag your roommate atop of the pyre. Then, douse yourselves with holy propane, and light a match. 

As the flames engulf your apartment, eventually burning down the entire building and all of the unbelievers who dwell there, you will emerge victorious. Since you are a true follower, the fire will not burn you, instead it will cleanse your soul of all influence of the vile and immoral abomination of a roommate. 

-Flannel and Glitter

Top 10 Ways to Make Easy Money

10. Stealing

When you’re strapped for cash, stealing is an excellent way to make some quick money. The first thing you’ll need to do is buy a handgun or a large knife. A weapon is a must have in order to threaten rude people who won’t just hand over their money.

Start small and work your way to more complicated heists. Begin with muggings and holding up mom and pop stores before you move up to robbing banks. It’s all about building your self-confidence.

9. Sell Drugs

A lot of people think that drugs are harmful, but those people are  lame. Drugs are a lot of fun. If they weren’t, drugs wouldn’t be so popular. If everyone is doing it, then it must be right. Your desire to cash in on this particular cow is just a sign of your business savvy. 


To succeed in this business, first and foremost, you’ll need an ice cream truck. No one would suspect an ice cream man of lacing a kid’s chocolate ice cream cone with heroin to get them hooked after the first lick.

8. Find Lost Dogs

Go scour the streets, gas stations, community centers, supermarkets, and coffee shops for lost pet posters. Then buy yourself a big net and go out searching for those lost little animals. Now, most people think the right thing to do is to return the pet to its owner for the $50 reward. However, that won’t pay your bills. 

All dog-catchers know that it’s better to sell the dog than to return it for the reward. A purebred English Bull Dog can earn you $2,500, which is a much higher return on your investment of that expensive, high quality, brand new, $3 net.

7. Counterfeiting

This particular venture can be tricky if you don’t know the right way to “make” money. Professional counterfeiters buy a lot of high-tech equipment, but that’s not necessary. There are three very simple techniques you can use: Print it out on your Kodak EasyPrinter, use modeling clay to mold the shape of coins, or go down to the dollar store to buy some play money. Then when you get home, all you need to do is cover the phrase, “Not Legal Tender” with a smiley face sticker. 

In certain parts of the world where poverty is rampant, such as California, Newfoundland, and Ethiopia, Monopoly money will work just fine.

6. Have Quindecaplets

Look at all the publicity Octo-mom got by just having eight babies at once. You too can achieve that level of fame, but you need to go even farther if you want to make real money. You’ll need to pop out 15 adorable drool factories of your own. With that many children, you’ll have local and national media outlets hampering you for an interview. From there, you can pitch TLC for a show of your own where you endorse various products and nanny services.

5. Kidnap a Famous Child and Hold for Ransom

We all know *insert name of famous child actor* is adorable and talented. Unfortunately, he’s never quite been given his due as an actor. The good news is, by kidnapping and holding him for ransom, you will not only help bolster his career, you’ll also make a few dollars in the process. It’s a win-win situation. Just make sure you don’t overestimate how much his parents love him. Go one dollar too far and you might have to keep good on your promise to cut off his thumb.

4. Start A Human Slave Trade

Slavery was appropriate and profitable for thousands of years before people got all sensitive and politically correct. Now, slavery is frowned upon and just because you steal one or two kids from the local swimming pool and force them to spin straw into gold in your basement, you’re branded as some kind of fugitive. This is why you have to be sneaky about your slave activities. 

Build a bomb shelter or storm cellar, but make sure it’s sound proof; those silly slaves will start screaming their heads off if they think someone can hear them. Put a GPS ankle bracelet on them to make sure your investment doesn’t wander away at the first opportunity. You and your roommate, Stabby Joe, don’t want to be forced to relocate again.

3. Become an Assassin

The title pretty much says it all. Combine the fun of guns, murder, and money! You can’t possibly go wrong! Since the world is filled with people who do nothing but annoy other people, there’s no shortage of work and you can’t be outsourced. To get started, put an ad in the Yellow Pages under “Hit man.” Before you know it, calls will be pouring in and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a high roller.

2. Prostitution

Get paid doing what you love! Work from home and be your own boss! Set your own hours! The benefits are endless. You get to sleep in. Enjoy the night life of various cities. Meet all sorts of interesting people from powerful heads of state to the local plumber. 

The first thing you need to do is get yourself a new wardrobe. That spandex leopard suit might be appropriate for the office, but to be a prostitute you need to wear something flashy. Thigh-high boots with six-inch heels, fishnet stockings, a corset, and a red pleather mini-skirt would be much more acceptable. 

The next thing you need to do is practice. Practice makes perfect, so ask your neighbors, your minister, your boss, your step-brother (Hey! You’re not blood-related!), and anyone else you can think of who might be willing to help you hone your skills.

1. Sell Organs

Now, we don’t mean the large pipe organs you see in fancy churches, we mean those cute little red things that fall out of people when you cut them open. Organs are always in high demand, so go down to the local hospital and find some really sick people. Next, ask them how much they’re willing to pay for a new heart or a new set of lungs. 

After the haggling is done, go behind the gas station and lure one of the homeless people into your van with promises of candy and alcohol. Then, do what you do best. Just make sure they’re the right blood type. 

WHEN GAYS ATTACK!