Top 10 Ways to Make Easy Money

10. Stealing

When you’re strapped for cash, stealing is an excellent way to make some quick money. The first thing you’ll need to do is buy a handgun or a large knife. A weapon is a must have in order to threaten rude people who won’t just hand over their money.

Start small and work your way to more complicated heists. Begin with muggings and holding up mom and pop stores before you move up to robbing banks. It’s all about building your self-confidence.

9. Sell Drugs

A lot of people think that drugs are harmful, but those people are  lame. Drugs are a lot of fun. If they weren’t, drugs wouldn’t be so popular. If everyone is doing it, then it must be right. Your desire to cash in on this particular cow is just a sign of your business savvy. 


To succeed in this business, first and foremost, you’ll need an ice cream truck. No one would suspect an ice cream man of lacing a kid’s chocolate ice cream cone with heroin to get them hooked after the first lick.

8. Find Lost Dogs

Go scour the streets, gas stations, community centers, supermarkets, and coffee shops for lost pet posters. Then buy yourself a big net and go out searching for those lost little animals. Now, most people think the right thing to do is to return the pet to its owner for the $50 reward. However, that won’t pay your bills. 

All dog-catchers know that it’s better to sell the dog than to return it for the reward. A purebred English Bull Dog can earn you $2,500, which is a much higher return on your investment of that expensive, high quality, brand new, $3 net.

7. Counterfeiting

This particular venture can be tricky if you don’t know the right way to “make” money. Professional counterfeiters buy a lot of high-tech equipment, but that’s not necessary. There are three very simple techniques you can use: Print it out on your Kodak EasyPrinter, use modeling clay to mold the shape of coins, or go down to the dollar store to buy some play money. Then when you get home, all you need to do is cover the phrase, “Not Legal Tender” with a smiley face sticker. 

In certain parts of the world where poverty is rampant, such as California, Newfoundland, and Ethiopia, Monopoly money will work just fine.

6. Have Quindecaplets

Look at all the publicity Octo-mom got by just having eight babies at once. You too can achieve that level of fame, but you need to go even farther if you want to make real money. You’ll need to pop out 15 adorable drool factories of your own. With that many children, you’ll have local and national media outlets hampering you for an interview. From there, you can pitch TLC for a show of your own where you endorse various products and nanny services.

5. Kidnap a Famous Child and Hold for Ransom

We all know *insert name of famous child actor* is adorable and talented. Unfortunately, he’s never quite been given his due as an actor. The good news is, by kidnapping and holding him for ransom, you will not only help bolster his career, you’ll also make a few dollars in the process. It’s a win-win situation. Just make sure you don’t overestimate how much his parents love him. Go one dollar too far and you might have to keep good on your promise to cut off his thumb.

4. Start A Human Slave Trade

Slavery was appropriate and profitable for thousands of years before people got all sensitive and politically correct. Now, slavery is frowned upon and just because you steal one or two kids from the local swimming pool and force them to spin straw into gold in your basement, you’re branded as some kind of fugitive. This is why you have to be sneaky about your slave activities. 

Build a bomb shelter or storm cellar, but make sure it’s sound proof; those silly slaves will start screaming their heads off if they think someone can hear them. Put a GPS ankle bracelet on them to make sure your investment doesn’t wander away at the first opportunity. You and your roommate, Stabby Joe, don’t want to be forced to relocate again.

3. Become an Assassin

The title pretty much says it all. Combine the fun of guns, murder, and money! You can’t possibly go wrong! Since the world is filled with people who do nothing but annoy other people, there’s no shortage of work and you can’t be outsourced. To get started, put an ad in the Yellow Pages under “Hit man.” Before you know it, calls will be pouring in and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a high roller.

2. Prostitution

Get paid doing what you love! Work from home and be your own boss! Set your own hours! The benefits are endless. You get to sleep in. Enjoy the night life of various cities. Meet all sorts of interesting people from powerful heads of state to the local plumber. 

The first thing you need to do is get yourself a new wardrobe. That spandex leopard suit might be appropriate for the office, but to be a prostitute you need to wear something flashy. Thigh-high boots with six-inch heels, fishnet stockings, a corset, and a red pleather mini-skirt would be much more acceptable. 

The next thing you need to do is practice. Practice makes perfect, so ask your neighbors, your minister, your boss, your step-brother (Hey! You’re not blood-related!), and anyone else you can think of who might be willing to help you hone your skills.

1. Sell Organs

Now, we don’t mean the large pipe organs you see in fancy churches, we mean those cute little red things that fall out of people when you cut them open. Organs are always in high demand, so go down to the local hospital and find some really sick people. Next, ask them how much they’re willing to pay for a new heart or a new set of lungs. 

After the haggling is done, go behind the gas station and lure one of the homeless people into your van with promises of candy and alcohol. Then, do what you do best. Just make sure they’re the right blood type.