Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel  and Glitter,

I’m a wealthy and successful ex porn star who now works as a doctor. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places (namely orphanages and animal hospitals). I’ve been married three times, two of which might be legally considered as endangering a senior citizen. So I’m writing to you in the hope that you will be able to give me advice on how to find Mr./Mrs. Right (preferably both).

-Loyal Andrew

Dear Loyal Andrew,

Okay, first of all, what were you thinking quitting your job as a porn star to become a doctor? That is a huge step down! Second of all, Congratulations! Monogamy is extremely overrated. However, bisexuality is downright immoral. God did not make you to be bisexual; he only makes people straight and gay. Everything else is a perversion of his perfect plan. 

You sicken us. Your desire to have a husband and a wife is disgusting. Go ahead and have as many husbands or wives as you want, just as long as they are all the same gender. So make your choice: are you going to be straight, or gay? Now make the right decision or get out of our virtual sight!

-Flannel and Glitter

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I read your roommate article awhile back. It’s helped me sort out all types of heretics and infidels. But my current roommate has drifted from the faith and I need a holy way to remove him. I’m a Mormon so I’d like to do it in a loving way not damning or degrading at all.  But if I need to call the cleansing fires of God I’m strong enough in my faith to do so. So if you could give me any advice to remove this unbeliever form the temple of my God, I’d really appreciate it

-Brother Todd

Dear Brother Todd, 

The first thing you need to do is pray for him. If that doesn’t work after a couple hours, then you clearly need to perform an exorcism. Now, he probably won’t submit to it willingly, so go ahead and hold him at gunpoint until you can tie him to the bed frame. Now, we’re not sure where you got the idea about “love” from. Have you been reading the Qur’an? Heretic. 

Now, if the exorcism doesn’t work, then you will have no choice to call the cleansing fires of God’s wrath. Build a large platform in your living room, and prepare yourself for the sacrament. Put on your blue tracksuit and drag your roommate atop of the pyre. Then, douse yourselves with holy propane, and light a match. 

As the flames engulf your apartment, eventually burning down the entire building and all of the unbelievers who dwell there, you will emerge victorious. Since you are a true follower, the fire will not burn you, instead it will cleanse your soul of all influence of the vile and immoral abomination of a roommate. 

-Flannel and Glitter