Gay Superheroes

How To Live With A Breeder

I (Flannel), recently found myself in need of a roommate. Of course, I used our foolproof questionnaire, and quickly received a response from someone who was not a murder, a rapist, or a Jehovah’s Witness. However, she was a...

DUN DUN DUN!

Having never interacted with a breeder, I was unsure of how to proceed. I found myself navigating the murky waters of breederdom alone and confused with no one to turn to. So, we would now like to present to you our quick reference guide for living with a heterosexual. 

Upon first meeting a heterosexual, you might notice a significant lack of fabulous, and be tempted to douce them with glitter. However we have found, based on extensive experimentation, this proves ineffective. We recommend simply shaking their hand. 

A handshake is usually accompanied by a verbal greeting. Now, gay men may be tempted to say, “What’s up, Bitch?” while lesbians might prefer to say, “This might seem really fast, but I think I’m in love with you.” Typically, a heterosexual prefers a simple greeting, ranging from “Hello” to the more daunting, “Hello, how are you?” Now, if you choose the latter, you should be prepared for an all out tactical conversation about the mundane life of a hetero. 

After spending a significant amount of time with a heterosexual (at least 20 minutes), your first instinct will of course be to get to second base (for gay men) or get engaged (for lesbians). However, we have found that straight people don’t typically enjoy sexual advances from the same gender. Trust us, you can pump them full of mojitos all night, but you’ll never get them on their knees. Instead, try having more conversation (we know, they’re worse than the cast of The View on speed). 

Once you move in together, you will find that heterosexuals have a number of idiosyncrasies. For instance, they are vehemently opposed to the idea of naked thursdays. They are also opposed to naked fridays, saturdays, sundays, mondays, and…. Well, you get the idea. Basically, they are opposed to you, themselves, and everyone around you being naked at any given time. Even on St. Patricks Day! Those crazy bastards. 

In addition to their weird aversion to nudity, heterosexuals don’t enjoy weekly orgies. They especially don’t enjoy walking in on weekly orgies. They also don’t enjoy it when you use their grandmother’s quilt for a threesome and picnic at the park. 

Heterosexuals also dislike:

-Impromptu fashion shows in their living room at 2:00am.

-Having all meat/dairy products thrown out and replaced with tofu.

-Having their hair cut or clothes bedazzled while they are sleeping.

-Being eye raped.

-Cats or tiny dogs in pink outfits.

-Techno or folk music blaring 24/7.

-Sharing vibrators, underwear, toothbrushes, or beds. 

We really don’t know if there is anything they do like, but we’re pretty sure that if it’s boring, it’s safe to assume they like it. 

Now don’t worry, seeing as how heterosexuals have a tendency to breed like rabbits, there will be plenty more posts in the future about living with a…

P.S. If you do encounter any more problems before our next post, remember: There's no problem that lube can't solve.

-Glitter

Cover Letter: Formulated for Success

To whom it may concern:

We would like to apply for the job of “Professional Exterminator” as advertised on monster.com. We realize that you may think it a bit odd for us to apply as a team, but let us assure you, we will prove to be an invaluable and lethal part of your organization. Combined we have over 30 years of “exterminating” experience. As requested in your ad, we are familiar with all the tools of the trade, including but not limited to: laying traps, poisonous gas, anthrax, glitter, radiation (from a tactical nuke), shrapnel grenades, knives, and Kanye West CD’s. We have worked together for so long that our minds are completely in sync, much like the way women’s menstrual cycles become in sync after spending extended periods of time together. 

During our top secret special ops training in lgbtqqia-wtf-do-all-these-letters-mean-istan, we were part of an elite task force called the flannel fairies. Our top secret mission was to infiltrate western civilization, and bring town the sanctity of marriage and wholesome family values, but when we got here, we were distracted by shiny things, and are now trying to make money blogging like all those poor losers living in their parent’s basements. Or are we? Perhaps we’re just so undercover that we appear to be ineffectual. And if that’s the case, just think how invaluable we would be to your organization. Or else… Haha, just kidding! Maybe. 

Love Always, 

Flannel and Glitter

P.S. This message will self destruct, taking you and your whole family along with it if we are not selected for the position. 

How To Become Popular

Popularity is everything. At least, that's what we learned in high school. And as we all know, high school is exactly like the real world. So if you don't want to get picked last for gym class, sit down, shut up, and hang on our every word.


Bribery
Your parents always told you that to make friends with someone, you had to get on their good side. And what better way to do so then to give them money? People enjoy getting lots of money for little or no work, so pretending to like you is the perfect full-time occupation.

Murder
Popularity is like a feudal system. A handful of people are on the top, while everyone else is at the bottom. So logically, the best way to reach the top is to be born into it. Unfortunately, we don’t have the technology to make that happen, so murder is the next best option. Of course, you shouldn’t go around murdering people willy-nilly. You need to carefully plan and strategize your attacks, eliminating the most popular people first, then working your way down until you emerge victorious.

Putting out
Kelis had it right. When you’re looking for something to bring all the boys to your yard, nothing works quite like a milkshake. And of course, by milkshake, we mean exposing your genitalia. And for all you college drop outs - that means putting out. Putting out is a lot of fun, and it has a lot of benefits:
It waters the lawn
It provides a good excuse to soak up lots of vitamin D
You can work on your tan
It’s good exercise
And most importantly, you will be the talk of the neighborhood
Remember kids: promiscuity = friendship

P.S. And when you do, can we watch?
P.P.S. But only if you’re hot.

Blackmail
Now, we know you’ve invested a lot of money in those high-tech night vision goggles that you use for nocturnal bird watching, so why not get the most bang for your buck and use them to spy on your potential friends? To make friends properly, we recommend that you also purchase a quality DSLR with a telephoto lens. This will ensure that have hard evidence of your future friends masturbating to jaws while you sit in the tree outside their window.

Be Rich (steal)
Being born wealthy is an obvious way to become popular amongst all those empty headed douchebags. But for those of us with deadbeat parents who couldn’t be bother to get off their lazy butts and build a financial empire that brings third world nations to their knees, you’ll just have to steal your way to the top. Now, we recommend you start off small. Try stealing a slurpie from 7-11, then move up to a daylight robbery of Fort Knox in a chariot puled by a flock of peacocks.

Kill Tom Cruise
Now it’s time for Tom Cruse to put his money where his mouth is, and prove that his Scientology crap is gonna save him. Cause you’re a loose cannon on the edge who doesn’t take nothing from no one and doesn’t play by the rules. Just make sure you do it in a way flashy enough to make the 6:00 news. We recommend giving him an impossible mission; namely, finding his own sanity. Don’t worry about him returning - the killer chinchillas that live in the remote cave in the Andes mountains where his search will undoubtably lead him will ensure that he meets a *drop octave* gruesome fate.

Start a Cult
According to Glitter, everyone loves meat. So clearly, you should start a bacon cult! We think this idea speaks for itself.

Get Plastic Surgery
For you ladies out there, we have just one phrase for you:
Round like a football.

Okay, that was Glitter, and he obviously doesn’t know breasts from 22oz anti-vibe framing hammers. What he was trying to say was:
Stacked like pancakes.
With Syrup…
And whipped cream…
And cherries…

Okay honey, it’s time to take a cold shower (this is glitter again, btw). I guess what we’re trying to say is: the way you look now is just not acceptable, and if you want people to like you, you have to be hot. No exceptions.

How To Plan The Perfect Date

Good date: Romantic candlelight dinner

Bad date: Free lunch at the nursing home

Good Date: Amusement park

Bad date: Cleaning the tiger cage at the zoo

 Good date: Broadway show

Bad date: Operating theatre

 

 Good date: Circus

Bad date: Being sold to the circus.

Good date: Stargazing

Bad date: Escaping an exploding star 

Good date: Picnic on the beach

Bad date: Fresh caught sashimi on a fishing troller

Good date: Going to a concert 

Bad date: Going to a human sacrifice

Good date: Hiking 

Bad date: Outrunning a serial killer

Good date: Kissing in the rain

Bad date: Kissing in a Tsunami

 Good date: Seeing a spy movie

Bad date: Spying on your ex 

 Good date: A walk in the park

Bad date: A walk through East Hastings

Good date: Basketball game

Bad date: Women's basketball game

How To Spot A Douchebag

There’s been a lot of talk lately about douchebags, but how do you know what to believe? We’ve spent the last 10 years researching the daily habits of douchebags and have compiled a thorough list of their most common attributes for you to print out and use as a handy reference guide. It’s very important to know how to spot a douche because they cause cancer, herpes, and swine flu. Now you won’t always be lucky enough to encounter obvious douchebags who walk up behind you and smack you in the head with an official Ed Hardy baseball bat. Sometimes they sneak up behind you like a top in a dark gay club while the music goes unce unce unce unce. But unlike with the top, the discomfort won’t last for a mere 5 minutes. No, he will latch onto you like tacky on white trash and you will be stuck with him for the rest of your natural born life. 


Warning signs:

Popped Collars

Puka shell necklaces

Wearing pajama bottoms in inappropriate situations

Wearing wife beaters as formal attire

Airbrushing abs onto a facebook profile picture

Tattoo of a chinese character

Over gelled hair

Intermittent bathing

Commonly using phrases such as “Brah,” “brotacular,” and “man cave”

Improper article use

Oompa loompa like complexion

Gold jewelry 

Now that you know how to properly identify a douche, you need to know how to get rid of them. Now, a douche cannot be killed by normal means, so your usual method of exterminating vermin probably won’t work. Luckily, we have devised some foolproof ways of ridding yourself of those pesky unwanted douchebags:

Wear a bar of soap around your neck (the scent of the soap triggers a chemical reaction in their brain which restores in them the desire to bathe and wear nice clothing)

Play classical music (this empties their mind of all their useless knowledge about rap music, and restores a love for Michael Bublé)

Tie them down and force them to listen as you read “War and Peace” (this restores their ability to use proper grammar)

Dunk them in a vat of lemon juice (this will wash off the spray tan, which is the source of their inability to dance)

Shoot them with an arrow dipped in a fine merlot (this will assure that any 50 cent beers they may have will taste like vomit)

Now, it’s important to remain vigilant. Never let your guard down (or your sense of taste, lest you become a douche as well). And for those especially tricky douchebags, email us at flannelandglitter@hotmail.com and we will send you our patented “Douche-be-gone.” Guaranteed to work or your money back. 

The Differences Between Canadians and Americans

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter, 

I have a relationship issue I need help with. There's this guy I like and we have so many things in common. I fell for him pretty quick, but he hasn't done the same for me. I could list off all the things I like about him, but that'd be way too long. I'm just hung up on one thing: he's a huge Slut-Slut McSlut Sluttiest Slut Grand Prize Winner. In short, he likes sex with a lot of people. He's never had a relationship longer than a month, and I'm a long-term kind of a guy. What do I do?

-Don’t-want-the-clap

Dear Don’t-want-the-clap,

First of all, what are you talking about? Clapping is fun! Have you ever heard the song, “If You’re Happy and You Know It”? 

Now, we understand that you want a long-term relationship, but you have to understand that relationships are all about compromise. We suggest going with him on all of his adventures, and even joining in on his bedtime antics. This will show him that you love him for who he is, and that you accept his alternative lifestyle. 

Besides, monogamy is boring. Doing this, your life will be a perpetual game of Russian roulette. Nothing adds passion to a relationship like the unexpected. 

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. If you’re looking for someone to offer their services, our rates are very reasonable. 

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, and she recently cut her hair really short. She’s quite obviously a lesbian, which is of course, really, really hot. I tried asking her for a threesome (which I know is every lesbian’s dream) but she said no. How can I convince her?

-Three’s a party

Dear Three’s a party,

The first thing you need to remember, is that you have to be very careful, because lesbians can be a bit touchy. Even though we know that all lesbians are secretly straight (I mean, come on, who can resist the allure of Axe Body Spray and sawdust?), they keep up the charade of homosexuality in order to add excitement to their mundane lives. 

The best way to get your way is to lure her with candy and chocolate. Lay down a trail of mints leading to the bedroom, where you will be waiting with the hot lesbian who you bribed with free steel toe boots and flannel shirts. Next, put some Indigo Girls on the stereo, and start a pillow fight.

Once the pillows start flying, they won’t be able to resist stripping down and french kissing each other. Then, before you know it, you’ll be in the midst of doing the flying purple fox. 

-Glitter

P.S. What the hell, man?! I’m gone for one day, and the whole operation is in shambles. No lesbian wants to have sex with a man, that’s the whole point! Hell, even straight women don’t want to have sex with men. 

-Flannel

P.P.S. If I learned anything while working at the Boom Boom Cabaret, it’s that the customer is always right. I felt it was my duty to give this man the advice he requested. Though I don’t know why he wants to sleep with women. Blech! 

-Glitter

Pick-Up Lines

We know it’s tough out there when it comes to finding that special someone. So we’ve put together a list of the most extensively tested pick-up lines known to man. Tested first in the lab, under controlled situations, and then out in the field by yours truly, these are sure to alleviate your physical yearnings. 

For Straight People (i.e. Breeders):

There aren’t enough people in the world. Let’s make more.

You’re a man. I’m a woman. It’s meant to be.

My biological clock is ticking.

We could’ve written more, but honestly they don’t need any more help popping out dozens of screaming larvae that will one day grow up to become as dumb as their predecessors.

For Lesbians:

My rent is getting to be a little too much. Want to move in with me?

I have all six seasons of “The L Word” on DVD.

My girlfriend just broke up with me and she left me with a lot of emotional baggage.

I’m working on a documentary about feminism post 9-11.

Hey, do you want to adopt a cat together?

Do you want to go with me to the WNBA game? We can listen to the new Indigo Girls CD on the way there.

I’m headed to a rally for women’s rights. Want to join me?

I have a coupon for the vegan buffet at Flannel World. What do you say we make a night of it?

Did I mention my bra is made out of organic hemp?

Nice mullet.

Nice motorcycle.

There’s nothing I love more than the environment, except protesting.

What do you say we put on wife-beaters, lift weights, and watch Saturday Night Live?

I’m a high school gym teacher and I volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends.

Will you be the Bette to my Tina? 

I’m eighteen now. It’s time I settled down.

My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

For Gay Men:

Look, an empty room.

I’m single.

I’m in a relationship, but he’s cool with it.

I just got tested. I’m all clean.

Found a condom.

Excuse me, I seem to be suffering from a rather serious snake bite. Do you think you could suck out the venom?

Boxers or briefs?

Top or bottom?

My boyfriend is out of town.

What’s your favorite Madonna album?

No one is looking.

So, we’ve been dating for three whole hours. I think it’s time we took this to the next level

This bed is comfortable. Join me.

The backseat of my car is really comfortable.

Hey.

What’s up?

*Wink*

WHEN GAYS ATTACK!

Hey guys,
Since we've become world famous, we're too busy answering fan mail and beating off our legions of followers with maces and throwing stars to write all of our posts. So we're asking you to send us all your burning questions for our "Dear Flannel and Glitter" column.


Send your questions to:


flannelandglitter@hotmail.com

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel  and Glitter,

I’m a wealthy and successful ex porn star who now works as a doctor. I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places (namely orphanages and animal hospitals). I’ve been married three times, two of which might be legally considered as endangering a senior citizen. So I’m writing to you in the hope that you will be able to give me advice on how to find Mr./Mrs. Right (preferably both).

-Loyal Andrew

Dear Loyal Andrew,

Okay, first of all, what were you thinking quitting your job as a porn star to become a doctor? That is a huge step down! Second of all, Congratulations! Monogamy is extremely overrated. However, bisexuality is downright immoral. God did not make you to be bisexual; he only makes people straight and gay. Everything else is a perversion of his perfect plan. 

You sicken us. Your desire to have a husband and a wife is disgusting. Go ahead and have as many husbands or wives as you want, just as long as they are all the same gender. So make your choice: are you going to be straight, or gay? Now make the right decision or get out of our virtual sight!

-Flannel and Glitter

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I read your roommate article awhile back. It’s helped me sort out all types of heretics and infidels. But my current roommate has drifted from the faith and I need a holy way to remove him. I’m a Mormon so I’d like to do it in a loving way not damning or degrading at all.  But if I need to call the cleansing fires of God I’m strong enough in my faith to do so. So if you could give me any advice to remove this unbeliever form the temple of my God, I’d really appreciate it

-Brother Todd

Dear Brother Todd, 

The first thing you need to do is pray for him. If that doesn’t work after a couple hours, then you clearly need to perform an exorcism. Now, he probably won’t submit to it willingly, so go ahead and hold him at gunpoint until you can tie him to the bed frame. Now, we’re not sure where you got the idea about “love” from. Have you been reading the Qur’an? Heretic. 

Now, if the exorcism doesn’t work, then you will have no choice to call the cleansing fires of God’s wrath. Build a large platform in your living room, and prepare yourself for the sacrament. Put on your blue tracksuit and drag your roommate atop of the pyre. Then, douse yourselves with holy propane, and light a match. 

As the flames engulf your apartment, eventually burning down the entire building and all of the unbelievers who dwell there, you will emerge victorious. Since you are a true follower, the fire will not burn you, instead it will cleanse your soul of all influence of the vile and immoral abomination of a roommate. 

-Flannel and Glitter

Top 10 Ways to Make Easy Money

10. Stealing

When you’re strapped for cash, stealing is an excellent way to make some quick money. The first thing you’ll need to do is buy a handgun or a large knife. A weapon is a must have in order to threaten rude people who won’t just hand over their money.

Start small and work your way to more complicated heists. Begin with muggings and holding up mom and pop stores before you move up to robbing banks. It’s all about building your self-confidence.

9. Sell Drugs

A lot of people think that drugs are harmful, but those people are  lame. Drugs are a lot of fun. If they weren’t, drugs wouldn’t be so popular. If everyone is doing it, then it must be right. Your desire to cash in on this particular cow is just a sign of your business savvy. 


To succeed in this business, first and foremost, you’ll need an ice cream truck. No one would suspect an ice cream man of lacing a kid’s chocolate ice cream cone with heroin to get them hooked after the first lick.

8. Find Lost Dogs

Go scour the streets, gas stations, community centers, supermarkets, and coffee shops for lost pet posters. Then buy yourself a big net and go out searching for those lost little animals. Now, most people think the right thing to do is to return the pet to its owner for the $50 reward. However, that won’t pay your bills. 

All dog-catchers know that it’s better to sell the dog than to return it for the reward. A purebred English Bull Dog can earn you $2,500, which is a much higher return on your investment of that expensive, high quality, brand new, $3 net.

7. Counterfeiting

This particular venture can be tricky if you don’t know the right way to “make” money. Professional counterfeiters buy a lot of high-tech equipment, but that’s not necessary. There are three very simple techniques you can use: Print it out on your Kodak EasyPrinter, use modeling clay to mold the shape of coins, or go down to the dollar store to buy some play money. Then when you get home, all you need to do is cover the phrase, “Not Legal Tender” with a smiley face sticker. 

In certain parts of the world where poverty is rampant, such as California, Newfoundland, and Ethiopia, Monopoly money will work just fine.

6. Have Quindecaplets

Look at all the publicity Octo-mom got by just having eight babies at once. You too can achieve that level of fame, but you need to go even farther if you want to make real money. You’ll need to pop out 15 adorable drool factories of your own. With that many children, you’ll have local and national media outlets hampering you for an interview. From there, you can pitch TLC for a show of your own where you endorse various products and nanny services.

5. Kidnap a Famous Child and Hold for Ransom

We all know *insert name of famous child actor* is adorable and talented. Unfortunately, he’s never quite been given his due as an actor. The good news is, by kidnapping and holding him for ransom, you will not only help bolster his career, you’ll also make a few dollars in the process. It’s a win-win situation. Just make sure you don’t overestimate how much his parents love him. Go one dollar too far and you might have to keep good on your promise to cut off his thumb.

4. Start A Human Slave Trade

Slavery was appropriate and profitable for thousands of years before people got all sensitive and politically correct. Now, slavery is frowned upon and just because you steal one or two kids from the local swimming pool and force them to spin straw into gold in your basement, you’re branded as some kind of fugitive. This is why you have to be sneaky about your slave activities. 

Build a bomb shelter or storm cellar, but make sure it’s sound proof; those silly slaves will start screaming their heads off if they think someone can hear them. Put a GPS ankle bracelet on them to make sure your investment doesn’t wander away at the first opportunity. You and your roommate, Stabby Joe, don’t want to be forced to relocate again.

3. Become an Assassin

The title pretty much says it all. Combine the fun of guns, murder, and money! You can’t possibly go wrong! Since the world is filled with people who do nothing but annoy other people, there’s no shortage of work and you can’t be outsourced. To get started, put an ad in the Yellow Pages under “Hit man.” Before you know it, calls will be pouring in and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a high roller.

2. Prostitution

Get paid doing what you love! Work from home and be your own boss! Set your own hours! The benefits are endless. You get to sleep in. Enjoy the night life of various cities. Meet all sorts of interesting people from powerful heads of state to the local plumber. 

The first thing you need to do is get yourself a new wardrobe. That spandex leopard suit might be appropriate for the office, but to be a prostitute you need to wear something flashy. Thigh-high boots with six-inch heels, fishnet stockings, a corset, and a red pleather mini-skirt would be much more acceptable. 

The next thing you need to do is practice. Practice makes perfect, so ask your neighbors, your minister, your boss, your step-brother (Hey! You’re not blood-related!), and anyone else you can think of who might be willing to help you hone your skills.

1. Sell Organs

Now, we don’t mean the large pipe organs you see in fancy churches, we mean those cute little red things that fall out of people when you cut them open. Organs are always in high demand, so go down to the local hospital and find some really sick people. Next, ask them how much they’re willing to pay for a new heart or a new set of lungs. 

After the haggling is done, go behind the gas station and lure one of the homeless people into your van with promises of candy and alcohol. Then, do what you do best. Just make sure they’re the right blood type. 

WHEN GAYS ATTACK!

Dear Flannel and Glitter...

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

I’m getting on in years and I feel I’ve lived a full life. I’ve done the career thing and made my mark on the world, but now I’m so sick of people I can barely stand to look at my co-workers without projectile vomiting. My 26^th birthday is around the corner and I’m dreading seeing all those people staring at me with their sickeningly joyful faces. It makes me want to scream! So, as a present to myself, I’ve decided to become a hermit. How should I proceed?

-Frustrated in Fargo.

Dear Frustrated in Fargo,

Good for you! People are disgusting, horrible lumps of carbon. Your choice sets you apart and potentially removes you from the rest of humanity, which makes us like you a little more – not too much though. Unlike all those useless people who just produce waste and convert valuable oxygen into carbon dioxide, you’re doing something useful.

The first step is to remove the influence of people. The best way to do this is to quit your job, stop bathing and stop shaving. In fact, stop all hygienic practices of any kind. Sell all your stuff (we would happily take them for a “reasonable” price) and move into your car while you find a suitable cave for your future home. In order to survive, you’ll need to hunt. Make sure to stop by the Medieval Weapons section at your local Wal-Mart (see previous post on how to survive a grocery store) to pick up a spear or two.

The next step is start talking to yourself. Mumble often and randomly jerk your arms as though you were in the throes of a small seizure. Scream at any person or animal that comes within 100ft. of your cave. This will ensure that people know you are serious about becoming a hermit and encourage them to leave you alone.

-Flannel and Glitter.

Dear Flannel and Glitter,

My long-term boyfriend is really pressuring me to take our relationship to the next level. We’ve been dating for three whole weeks and we just click, you know? Like, we know everything about each other and even finish each other’s sentences. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. My friends think it’s weird for us to be so serious in our second year of high school, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in a mature relationship.

My parents always taught me that I shouldn’t have sex before I’m married, but T-Bone says it’s totally rad and my parents are just old-fashioned.

What should I do?

-Horny in Hamilton.

Dear Horny in Hamilton,

T-Bone is right. Sex is totally rad! Especially if it’s with someone you barely know. Of course we know you want the experience to be memorable, so we have a couple ideas to make it a night you’ll never forget.

Start off with some some romantic music to set the mood. We recommend either Eminem or Kevin Federline. You could also turn down the lights and set some candles aflame, just like your passion for each other.

A lot of people mistakenly make their first time boring and trite. You can avoid this by having a threesome. Ask T-Bone if he has any friends who would be willing to offer their services for the evening. If he has more than one, invite them too. The more the merrier! Your parents were right about one thing: sharing is good.

-Flannel and Glitter

P.S. Bring a whip.

-Flannel.

P.P.S. Don’t forget your leather corset and chaps.

-Glitter.

P.P.P.S. Chaps are for men. Try edible underwear instead.

-Flannel

P.P.P.P.S. That’s right. Sorry, I don’t know anything about women's fetish clothing.

-Glitter

P.P.P.P.P.S. And don’t worry about condoms. You can’t get pregnant the first time.

-Flannel

Challenges you May Face While Grocery Shopping

5. Picking Fresh Fruit

We realize that it can be tough to know what is in season, which is why we have developed some foolproof methods to determine how fresh that fruit really is. One major problem with buying fruit is that you cannot see inside. This is why we recommend that you bring a large knife to easily cut open your intended victim - I mean, fruit. Yeah, that’s it… fruit. 

Another great method is to look for bruises. Watch carefully as you hurl the fruit towards the faces of other shoppers. If they develop a pear shaped bruise, it’s not ready. If they begin to bleed, you have clearly thrown the nun chucks you picked up in aisle 53, Martial Arts Weaponry, instead of a banana.

4. Dealing With Crowds

Sadly, is is illegal for you to attach a blade to the front of your shopping cart as if it were a snow plow. This means that you are unable to push your fellow shoppers out of the way like a herd of dumb grazing cows. Instead, we recommend forgoing your usual morning shower. 

The horrible smell emanating from your body is sure to keep your fellow shoppers at bay. Of course, if you don’t want to go with the subtle approach, you could always set off some mustard gas. Just make sure you have your gas mask handy. 

3. Blocked Aisles

One of the most annoying things you will encounter in the grocery store is someone blocking the aisle, oblivious to your attempts to reach the last container of expresso ice cream. 

Of course your first reaction is to grab their shopping cart, lift it over your head, and hurl it through the lobster tank, releasing dozens of angry lobsters who will then amputate the toes of anyone in their path, causing widespread chaos and panic while you calmly reach for your expresso ice cream. 

However, this will only cause a scene, and you don’t want to draw any police attention, since your roommate, Stabby Joe, was just arrested for shooting a dozen INTERPOL agents with your sawed off shotgun. So instead, quietly sneak up beside the cart, and give it a firm push towards the nearest exit. 

When the woman realizes that the shopping cart with her newborn baby in it is sailing out into the parking lot, she will chase after it, leaving the aisle clear for you to get your ice cream.

2. Happening To Arrive At The Same Time As a Bus full of Octogenarians.

You know you shouldn’t feel this way, but a bus load of octogenarians makes you consider the merits of euthanasia. If you can get past the smell of pepto-bismal, moth balls, bengay, and dirty diapers, you still have to deal with the frustrating zombie shuffle they call walking. 

To alleviate this problem, store managers supply scooters free of charge, but unfortunately, if they weren’t fit to drive to the grocery store, then they probably aren’t fit to drive in the grocery store. You can remedy the situation by hopping on the back of the scooter, and steering it around the store at top speed, using their lap to hold your items. 

Don’t be worried about them reporting you to the authorities, they’ll be so confused, they’ll think that their grandchildren were nice enough to help them with their grocery shopping.

1. Running Into Casual Acquaintances

The most frightening thing you can encounter at a grocery store is without a doubt running into a chatty friend-of-a-friend you only met once. Of course, you instantly recognize her horrible haircut, and try to escape, but she senses your presence, and your eyes meet. This is the moment of no return. You have no choice but to say hello, and gird your loins in preparation for the conversational assault coming your way. 

As she tells you about mittens, her 27 year old diabetic cat, who requires 6 insulin needles a day, you suddenly wish that you were drowning in a vat of Pat Robertson’s saliva. However, aisle 42 is nowhere near where she entrapped you, so you are forced to listen about how she was forced to quit her job in order to take care of mittens. The only way to escape is to jingle your keys until she is sufficiently distracted, and you have the chance to escape.